Therapy...

I read a while back that therapists are using a new method for treating depression - exercise. People pay to have there therapists go on jogs with them and talk out their worries and concerns. I've always been lucky that I've had good friends who will jog with me - it wasn't until we started jogging Jules that I really came to love my time on the road. Something changed that summer for me - jogging was my release. Whether with you or my sister or alone - the time I spent on the trails or streets became a safe haven. Everything made sense there - I was strong and could overcome any obstical. Even when life is perfect jogging holds a special place in my day - silly and masacistic I know. Lately I've really been struggling. A type of struggle that I didn't think was possible - at least not for me.

I've known my whole life the church is true. I've never had any kind of divine manifestation - none - but something inside of me has always accepted the principles. The Gospel just made sense - like its always just a part of me of who I am. Up until now I've never thought much more about whether or not it would be a part of my life - that was always a given. And then I hit a brick wall. I can't really explain what happened - an interaction here, a thought there and suddenly I'm not sure of anything. I should clarify - not sure what type of life I want to lead. Denying the church is true has never really been an option in my mind. But whether or not I would continue to be a part of it has. I've spent the last 6 months struggling with that question. I thought I had hit my lowest point after things exploded with Brian the second time. After that I thought I had learned my lesson, and that the experience would give me enough strength to stay close to my ward. But it didn't. The discouragement continued...literally chipping away at everything I had until eventually it became painful to attend church. It's a strange feeling when everything you've lived for and worked for is suddenly in question - the best way I know to describe it is lonely exhaustion. In the end there are only two choices - stick with it and believe or go it alone. The correct choice is obviously to have faith...sounds so easy to say, but mustering up enough engery to act on that faith is something very different. Like finding yourself dehydrated and malnurished half way through a marathon - taking just one step at that point seems impossible.

Which brings me back to jogging - this morning I got up at 5 to get in 5.5 mi before work. It felt good, really really good. Today was the first time in over two months I've been able to complete my loop without walking. I felt strength returning, and a motivating spark begin to glow. Unfortunately, the spark comes and goes throughout the day. Which is to be expected - and keeps me looking forward to tomorrow's jog.

And hopefully be able to sort through a few more of my questions. I'm trying to figure out how much of my struggles are a direct result of my involvment with Brian and how many are just coincidence. I want to be strong - I want to be the girl that can take a stand and be firm. The girl that's involved in church - and is scene as a roll model, who radiates goodness. And I also want to be the girl Brian will open up to - regardless of whether or not he returns to church. If I can find someway to become more, more of everything. But I'm afriad he'll never care for me, that I'll have to walk away. He'll forget about me easily. And then I just want to scream at him, tell him to look at me and trust me and know that I want to know him exactly the way he is, that I can accept him and love him for him.

Because I see in him everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed about. Jules, I must be dilusional - everyone else can see the truth. I just can't accept it. Have I just fixated on him because I think he fits an image - or could that goodness really be there. And I'm not talking about being a "good person". I'm talking great, really great. The type that regardles of his church involvement will help others around him and love whomever he chooses deeply and will take care of them, and dreams big dreams, and who can make friends with anyone and has the silliest chuckle. But I know somehow I need to get to the point where I can trust God that everything will work out better than I could plan or hope - with our without Brian.

I think that's where the problem comes in - how do I let go enough to trust in "God's Plan" when part of me feels like I've spent my whole life waiting and working and dreaming - to end up alone in a ward with 500 other girls. And so I wait for my next jog.....