Therapy...

I read a while back that therapists are using a new method for treating depression - exercise. People pay to have there therapists go on jogs with them and talk out their worries and concerns. I've always been lucky that I've had good friends who will jog with me - it wasn't until we started jogging Jules that I really came to love my time on the road. Something changed that summer for me - jogging was my release. Whether with you or my sister or alone - the time I spent on the trails or streets became a safe haven. Everything made sense there - I was strong and could overcome any obstical. Even when life is perfect jogging holds a special place in my day - silly and masacistic I know. Lately I've really been struggling. A type of struggle that I didn't think was possible - at least not for me.

I've known my whole life the church is true. I've never had any kind of divine manifestation - none - but something inside of me has always accepted the principles. The Gospel just made sense - like its always just a part of me of who I am. Up until now I've never thought much more about whether or not it would be a part of my life - that was always a given. And then I hit a brick wall. I can't really explain what happened - an interaction here, a thought there and suddenly I'm not sure of anything. I should clarify - not sure what type of life I want to lead. Denying the church is true has never really been an option in my mind. But whether or not I would continue to be a part of it has. I've spent the last 6 months struggling with that question. I thought I had hit my lowest point after things exploded with Brian the second time. After that I thought I had learned my lesson, and that the experience would give me enough strength to stay close to my ward. But it didn't. The discouragement continued...literally chipping away at everything I had until eventually it became painful to attend church. It's a strange feeling when everything you've lived for and worked for is suddenly in question - the best way I know to describe it is lonely exhaustion. In the end there are only two choices - stick with it and believe or go it alone. The correct choice is obviously to have faith...sounds so easy to say, but mustering up enough engery to act on that faith is something very different. Like finding yourself dehydrated and malnurished half way through a marathon - taking just one step at that point seems impossible.

Which brings me back to jogging - this morning I got up at 5 to get in 5.5 mi before work. It felt good, really really good. Today was the first time in over two months I've been able to complete my loop without walking. I felt strength returning, and a motivating spark begin to glow. Unfortunately, the spark comes and goes throughout the day. Which is to be expected - and keeps me looking forward to tomorrow's jog.

And hopefully be able to sort through a few more of my questions. I'm trying to figure out how much of my struggles are a direct result of my involvment with Brian and how many are just coincidence. I want to be strong - I want to be the girl that can take a stand and be firm. The girl that's involved in church - and is scene as a roll model, who radiates goodness. And I also want to be the girl Brian will open up to - regardless of whether or not he returns to church. If I can find someway to become more, more of everything. But I'm afriad he'll never care for me, that I'll have to walk away. He'll forget about me easily. And then I just want to scream at him, tell him to look at me and trust me and know that I want to know him exactly the way he is, that I can accept him and love him for him.

Because I see in him everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed about. Jules, I must be dilusional - everyone else can see the truth. I just can't accept it. Have I just fixated on him because I think he fits an image - or could that goodness really be there. And I'm not talking about being a "good person". I'm talking great, really great. The type that regardles of his church involvement will help others around him and love whomever he chooses deeply and will take care of them, and dreams big dreams, and who can make friends with anyone and has the silliest chuckle. But I know somehow I need to get to the point where I can trust God that everything will work out better than I could plan or hope - with our without Brian.

I think that's where the problem comes in - how do I let go enough to trust in "God's Plan" when part of me feels like I've spent my whole life waiting and working and dreaming - to end up alone in a ward with 500 other girls. And so I wait for my next jog.....

*-!_$^# Random @{%>&*

I've been thinking…. Quick, random thoughts mostly…. Nothing concrete or developed. Just brief things that pass through my head, as I'm sorting through fixed assets, calculating M-1's, and trying to get the financials to balance. Nothing I could really blog on… but its all I've got right now…

Change - how do you make it last.

Goals - Do they really work?

Good friends -Sometimes even just remembering the fun times is enough to carry you till you'll see them again.

Hobbies - why didn't I have any in college? Can doing tax be a hobby?

Vacation - what I'm going to see, learn, eat, and who I'm going to help with my time off

Work - Careers vs Jobs. Wish I had a crystal ball. Just a peek would help.

Money - how much to … save, spend, share, invest?

Leadership - its always easier in theory than practice. Its more time consuming in practice too. But its challenging and hopefully worth the effort.

Exercise - Love it. At least the feeling when I'm done. Starting is harder.

Food - seriously so good. Why can't I stop eating it?

Competition - it drives - it motivates -

Dating - let the good times roll, when there is time...

Promotions - is it going to be worth it?

And this is why nothing get done...quickly.

Best Things in Life Don't Come Easily

Well, well, well... looks like I finally decided to post :) Sorry beck - I really am. Maybe if your posts weren't so eloquent and profound I wouldn't worry so much about what I was going to post. But I'm swallowing my pride, and I'm putting myself out there for you to read - here it goes... (OK so I started that a week ago ... and now I'm finishing... but its going to happen today...maybe I'll post 3 or 4 times!)

Sunshine, waterfalls, cliff jumping. Clear, sparkling, blue water, green trees, and blue skies. It is impossible to describe this place. Even a picture doesn't completely capture the natural beauty of Havasupai. Located in the Northwest part of Arizona and connected with the Grand Canyon, this small Arizona oasis is home to a small Indian tribe, as well as host to hundreds of tourists each day. But don't be fooled by the pretty pictures, and the glowing things I have to say about it, and think this 3 day camping trip was all fun and games. For most, the trek to and from this Garden of Eden, is one of the most physically challenging things they've ever done, me included. And I've done some hard things.

We left Salt Lake Tuesday after work, driving 9 hours through the night to the trailhead. Carpooling and caravanning, left some time for sleep, but car sleep is never good sleep. So at 5am, when ordinarily we would have been exhausted and likely still in bed, we were eager and excited to hit the trail and descend into the canyon. Remember that I say descend, and note that whatever goes down, must eventually come out.

And I am forgetting one other crucial element of the journey. This wasn't car camping. You pack on your back everything you will need for 3 days. (except the water - luckily there was fresh spring water we could fill our canteens down there). (There is a store down in town, but its 2 miles from the campsite). Food, clothes, shoes, sleeping bag and tent. You wouldn't believe how quickly the weight adds up. And what might not bother your back, neck, shoulders, and hips for the first 10 minutes, might have you cursing 5 miles into the hike.

I'm rambling… so I'll cut to the point of all this. We didn't sleep. We hiked for 10 miles with an uncomfortable awkward load on our back in the Arizona morning heat (it could have been worse, it could have been afternoon heat). The last two miles were in sand. Attempted to sleep for 2 nights on hard uncomfortable sand (note for next trip, invest in a better sleeping pad). Then we hiked the 10 long miles out of camp, up the switchbacks to our car. No time for rest, cause we again drove through the night to get back home. Now are you ready to sign up for that adventure :)

Two weeks have passed since we've been back. Blisters, sore muscles, scrapes and scratches, sunburns, and exhaustion - we've all mostly recovered. If you had asked me during our Friday night hike out, I would have said, this is too hard, I can't do this trek for another 2 or 3 years. But 2 days after the hike, I was ready to strap on my pack and do it again. I can say without hesitating that it was one of the most incredible adventures I've been on. It was the challenge that made it worth it. And isn't that how most things in life are- the best things in life are worth working for, even working really hard for. You don't take for granted the things you earn. So now I just need to figure out what I want next in life - what I'm working toward next.

Letting Go....

Okay Jules, I'm disappointed - where are your posts?!?! I'm up at a ridiculous hour not feeling like sleeping again but dwelling on the same things I always do that I can't control. My first thoughts are about C and all of my stupid mistakes and the realization that I am the cause of so many failed or never even started relationships. But today I've started to think more about the bigger picture. I've been in SC visiting Shauna since Saturday night. And we've had a fantastic time. In so many ways it's exactly what I needed - to leave VA and all of the drama/failures/frustrations behind and just escape somewhere with people I know love me unconditionally and will listen without judgement and know me and how I see things and what I need.

We've had a blast singing in the car to songs we grew up with, taking Piper shopping, strolling the beach. It's better than any day dream I've had about what life would be like as a young adult. Like it really fills this void I've felt for so long and it's almost surreal. And while I wish I could stay here forever and enjoy my family, I miss my life too. I see what Shauna does and part of me wants it - to be responsible and have a little girl to take care of - to have a family and be the young cute mother. When I see the way Piper looks at her - I'm jealous.

But another part, and I'm afriad the stronger part doesn't want it. I don't think I can sit home like this everyday. I'm starting to get an itch - like I want to work, almost wish I could do some work. I need to be able to jog again, and I miss the rush of my life. The constant run - this is good to recharge, but could I really live a life that's not going a million miles an hour? Where yes, there's a lot to be done, but it's different - it's feeding and cleaning and resting so you can do everything all over again. Night jogs and exercise are replaced with spending time with your husband, taking care of kids and watching TV. And while I know I should want those things and that they bring amazing rewards and fulfillment, I don't know if I can do it. How do you make that switch? Is it possible for some people? And then I start to wonder is this the reason I push everything away - and completely spaz out about any seemingly nice boy that comes my way? And if it is then how do I continue knowing that this could very well lead to a life of singledom? Knowing that one day I might look back and wish I had slowed down enough to take advantage of other opportunities that come my way or at least to give them a chance.

But it's so deeply ingrained - I remember my freshman year of college there was this boy named Brent in my chemical engineering class. He was tall, dark hair, decent looking a little nerdy, but nice very nice and very smart. He seemed to get nervous around me and I started to sense that he may have interest. I completely freaked out - like I couldn't look at him I was so scared of the possibility that he could be nice and I would have to marry him. I remember hating to go to group meetings and purposefully not getting hints or taking him up on kind offers because I was so scared. Looking back I realize how silly I was - I mean he's just the type that I should want to be around - someone who's kind, caring, smart, and not full of himself. I'm sure he's happily married by now with a lovely family and a successful/profitable job. But at the time I didn't want to let go of being me and my plan and anything that could possibly in any remote form inteterfere with that made me run.

Which explains why every boy I've ever dated I knew I would not marry. And the ones that I do want are the ones who are arrogant and unattainable and the only real thing they have going for them is an image. And everyone else that could be that middle ground - the happy, but seemingly ordinary everyday nice guys with normal jobs and normal hobbies that would lead to a solid family and a normal life completely freak me out. Like I feel myself rejecting them for no reason other than this undefined consuming fear. Is that a byproduct of being goal oriented and having so many day dreams and ideals and always pushing to achieve something different and special to prove who I am? My whole life I've set the goals and worked so hard - literally living for them and now I watch them all come true which has made me so happy but with that I expect to find a movie star leading man - a James Bond or Jimmy, the type with a flashy job, personality, and interests. A complete fiction that no person can really live up to - or at least no person with whom I could find happiness and comfort.

This whole C thing has left me scared - my dad says that I need to learn to trust myself. And in some of my past relationships/friendships I can see that - there were warning signs and I needed to act. But I wonder now how many others were me being irrational - of course my parents will always take my side, they only know my version of the situation. But I am seeing another side of myself, a side that will sacrafice almost anything to keep an ideal - I've worked for two years to make the 'right' friends and my whole life to build a network and to create a perfect young professional social scene complete with the right clothes, house, and career. And so I wait for the man that will fit in my cast - J Crew, BMW Convertible, but down to earth, serves, runs around with the right crowd, but is kind to everyone, close to his family, has a cool/impressive job, went to the 'right' school and had an acceptable major, is the right height and the right hair color. Jules, I don't think he exists and I'm beginning to think I'm fooling myself by believing that he does. That's a movie - not reality. Realty you need a hard worker, someone who's thoughtful, loyal, capable of standing up for himself and his family, committed to being good, and who silently helps others, the ones that most people don't even notice need help and the type of service that usually gets no recognition. That is reality - and I don't think that always comes in the package I'm expecting. And I think sometimes we have to dig to even discover that treasure.

Was C that - I don't know, I can see some yes' some no's I never took the time to really find out I was too worried about the package and rumors. Not that he's not good looking or fun or good and I happen to know he's a master at silent service and loves his family very much - he just wasn't what I had pictured. Maybe B could be it - again I can't get rid of the overwhelming fear that I am giving up something. And that something continues to rule my life....and the costs continue to rise....

Setting Sail...

I should be hurt that you didn't think I'd actually post. Well, here I am - our spot hasn't been up more than a few hours and I'm already here to ponder "the dream". One thing has been constant as I watch my dreams come true. I've found that while usually am able to eventually make them a reality, they're never exactly how I picture them. Yet somehow it's better that way. Which is why I love Thoroughly Modern Millie so much - but I'll save that connection for another time.

Sailing is an excellent example. For years I've had this daydream of sailing. Pretty white boats with blue and red striped sails. White shorts with a blue and white striped shirt and cute little boat shoes. Afternoons would be spent on the boat and evenings at a fancy resturant on the dock (of course there'd be time to change into a new lake outfit). So I signed up for sailing lessons downtown. My first day I was so nervous I'd be out of place in my jogging shorts and sneakers, but excited to meet my instructor who I was sure would be a young handsome lawyer who drove a BMW convertible.

My first day I learned that my instructor is an older IT specialist who rides his bike to the dock everyday, and none of my classmates wear fancy clothes - or have any more experience than I do; and our boat is not prestine white - but rather pales blue with slightly yellowed sails. Did I mention I get seasick? Yup, I began serious questions about the dream. But after our lesson we all went to a cute little beach bar near the dock. It wasn't fancy, but it had fun music and brightly colored decorations. My classmates were actually a lot of fun - Cherie is a single mother who's trying to figure out the whole dating scene again, JD and Inthasar are husband and wife who are so funny and open and kind. They're taking care of JD's 92 year old father. Everyweek they'd bring him along and he'd stay on the dock to fish. When he'd catch one he'd shot and cheer to us as we were setting up the boat - it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. He reminded me of my Grandpa Piper. Anyway, and our instructor had fascinating stories about his life travels (he is originally from Greece).

Well, after that first class I learned to take dramamine before each lesson and tried to get to know my classmates instead of judging them. Sailing became so fun - one week Inthasar almost crashed us into another boat, and I nearly tipped us over while tacking; the next week we had to practice "man over board" with a floaty. Camille (she joined us a little late) had a hard time getting the floaty, so after scraping the cement wall of the river a man on the dock fishing had to fetch the floaty and throw it to us. I think we were rather amusing to him.

The weekend in between my two week course I went with our RS on a sailing trip at Solomon's Island. Where we actually got to sail on a big white fancy boat. Like the sails automatically rolled out (opposed to the ones I was use to that you had to unroll yourself and push them up)! We had a great time - the view was gorgeous, not to metion the boat. And I really didn't have to do anything but sit and enjoy. That was what I had always pictured sailing to be. But somehow I missed my little blue boat, and the yellow sails, and the wooden tiller. I even missed my class friends, who I never thought in a million years I'd have anything in common with and I missed the challenge of working together to keep our boat afloat and away from larger objects.

My whole point in all of this is it made me realize that it's not all the bells and whistle and images that make life enjoyable. I realized that even though for some reason my mind likes to picture beautiful people and things in my daydreams - life isn't always picture perfect. It's raw and challenging and full of unique experiences and quarkie people. And that the imperfection is what makes life so enjoyable - it's what we laugh at; what we grow from. And somehow all the imperfections melt into the amazing experience that's even better than what we imagined.

The first one...

Well Becky .... here it is... our very own place to post. To dream, to vent, to reminisce, to ramble, and whatever else we feel like putting on here. You promised you would do this with me :) I'll hold you to it.