Letting Go....

Okay Jules, I'm disappointed - where are your posts?!?! I'm up at a ridiculous hour not feeling like sleeping again but dwelling on the same things I always do that I can't control. My first thoughts are about C and all of my stupid mistakes and the realization that I am the cause of so many failed or never even started relationships. But today I've started to think more about the bigger picture. I've been in SC visiting Shauna since Saturday night. And we've had a fantastic time. In so many ways it's exactly what I needed - to leave VA and all of the drama/failures/frustrations behind and just escape somewhere with people I know love me unconditionally and will listen without judgement and know me and how I see things and what I need.

We've had a blast singing in the car to songs we grew up with, taking Piper shopping, strolling the beach. It's better than any day dream I've had about what life would be like as a young adult. Like it really fills this void I've felt for so long and it's almost surreal. And while I wish I could stay here forever and enjoy my family, I miss my life too. I see what Shauna does and part of me wants it - to be responsible and have a little girl to take care of - to have a family and be the young cute mother. When I see the way Piper looks at her - I'm jealous.

But another part, and I'm afriad the stronger part doesn't want it. I don't think I can sit home like this everyday. I'm starting to get an itch - like I want to work, almost wish I could do some work. I need to be able to jog again, and I miss the rush of my life. The constant run - this is good to recharge, but could I really live a life that's not going a million miles an hour? Where yes, there's a lot to be done, but it's different - it's feeding and cleaning and resting so you can do everything all over again. Night jogs and exercise are replaced with spending time with your husband, taking care of kids and watching TV. And while I know I should want those things and that they bring amazing rewards and fulfillment, I don't know if I can do it. How do you make that switch? Is it possible for some people? And then I start to wonder is this the reason I push everything away - and completely spaz out about any seemingly nice boy that comes my way? And if it is then how do I continue knowing that this could very well lead to a life of singledom? Knowing that one day I might look back and wish I had slowed down enough to take advantage of other opportunities that come my way or at least to give them a chance.

But it's so deeply ingrained - I remember my freshman year of college there was this boy named Brent in my chemical engineering class. He was tall, dark hair, decent looking a little nerdy, but nice very nice and very smart. He seemed to get nervous around me and I started to sense that he may have interest. I completely freaked out - like I couldn't look at him I was so scared of the possibility that he could be nice and I would have to marry him. I remember hating to go to group meetings and purposefully not getting hints or taking him up on kind offers because I was so scared. Looking back I realize how silly I was - I mean he's just the type that I should want to be around - someone who's kind, caring, smart, and not full of himself. I'm sure he's happily married by now with a lovely family and a successful/profitable job. But at the time I didn't want to let go of being me and my plan and anything that could possibly in any remote form inteterfere with that made me run.

Which explains why every boy I've ever dated I knew I would not marry. And the ones that I do want are the ones who are arrogant and unattainable and the only real thing they have going for them is an image. And everyone else that could be that middle ground - the happy, but seemingly ordinary everyday nice guys with normal jobs and normal hobbies that would lead to a solid family and a normal life completely freak me out. Like I feel myself rejecting them for no reason other than this undefined consuming fear. Is that a byproduct of being goal oriented and having so many day dreams and ideals and always pushing to achieve something different and special to prove who I am? My whole life I've set the goals and worked so hard - literally living for them and now I watch them all come true which has made me so happy but with that I expect to find a movie star leading man - a James Bond or Jimmy, the type with a flashy job, personality, and interests. A complete fiction that no person can really live up to - or at least no person with whom I could find happiness and comfort.

This whole C thing has left me scared - my dad says that I need to learn to trust myself. And in some of my past relationships/friendships I can see that - there were warning signs and I needed to act. But I wonder now how many others were me being irrational - of course my parents will always take my side, they only know my version of the situation. But I am seeing another side of myself, a side that will sacrafice almost anything to keep an ideal - I've worked for two years to make the 'right' friends and my whole life to build a network and to create a perfect young professional social scene complete with the right clothes, house, and career. And so I wait for the man that will fit in my cast - J Crew, BMW Convertible, but down to earth, serves, runs around with the right crowd, but is kind to everyone, close to his family, has a cool/impressive job, went to the 'right' school and had an acceptable major, is the right height and the right hair color. Jules, I don't think he exists and I'm beginning to think I'm fooling myself by believing that he does. That's a movie - not reality. Realty you need a hard worker, someone who's thoughtful, loyal, capable of standing up for himself and his family, committed to being good, and who silently helps others, the ones that most people don't even notice need help and the type of service that usually gets no recognition. That is reality - and I don't think that always comes in the package I'm expecting. And I think sometimes we have to dig to even discover that treasure.

Was C that - I don't know, I can see some yes' some no's I never took the time to really find out I was too worried about the package and rumors. Not that he's not good looking or fun or good and I happen to know he's a master at silent service and loves his family very much - he just wasn't what I had pictured. Maybe B could be it - again I can't get rid of the overwhelming fear that I am giving up something. And that something continues to rule my life....and the costs continue to rise....