It was a month ago that I woke up to this...

After driving this...

2007 Mazda 3do you see that window crank - no power windors, locks, or keyless entry

and this...

2007 Nissan Sentra
Way too blue

and this ....

2005 Honda Accord

Stick Shift - I wouldn't get very far

I finally settled on this.

2004 Honda Civic

Scarecrow on a Sunday Afternoon

I've never had the knack for decorating - I dont think its in my blood. I'll probably never be one of those cute moms with a darling home, sprinkled with festive reminders of what month it is and what holiday is coming up.

But with a little bit of time on a Sunday, and a bale of hay in the backyard, I thought I would try and dress up the yard. I wouldn't call it darling ... i think its got some personality.

Seriously, Scott, could anything else be more fun?

Disclaimer: No pumpkin for a head, improvised with a melon from the garden.

When life gives you tomatoes...

Last year it looked like this - (big thanks to Geoff for helping with the gravel)

After a lot of work, now it looks like this:

(Internet Problems - I'll post pic later)

Brent Bardo and his green thumb was the mastermind behind the garden this year. Double digging, starts from Wasatch Community Garden, arranged planting, careful watering, pruning, and cages.

Brent got a little...no, maybe a lot, carried away with the number of tomatoes he planted. I didn't even know that many varieties of tomatoes existed. And I had no idea plants got that tall.

We picked about a hundred tomatoes this weekend...and turned it into this

(Salsa)

And this ...

(Marinara Sauce)

And this.

(Tomato Basil Soup)

Now all I need is an extra freezer to store it and we'll be enjoying the garden all winter!

(a quick shout out to Brent Bardo who's biking across the US right now. I hear he's in the middle of colorado in a place called 'Hoosier Pass.' )

His First…Probably His Last

Scott runs, but it’s not really his thing.

When I’ve mentioned races before, either they’re too long and "he’ll die" or they aren’t worth paying for, even if there is a t-shirt at the end.

It was only a 5K and it was free (thx Ken Garff for sponsoring). And I really wanted him to do it.

Did he have an option?

(we're still cougars. it was the UofU alumni run, but it was free)

Is it Me? Or my Job?

I've never had car problems. I've done the standard maintenance, and had some warranty repairs done for free, but nothing overwhleming.

But then i started working for Ken Garff.

It'll be 7 months on Thursday and in the last 200 days I have ...

• changed my oil 2x (no big deal),
• replaced my brakes
• bought a part for my hubcap that was missing (ok, not a necessary fix, but it made me look like a slob with it missing),
• fixed my windows because of a broken regulator (fix = the window is up, but didn't pay to have them make it work again),
• blown out a tire and had to get 2 new one,
• replaced the front bumper because it was ripped off by a semi truck,
• and now this ....
  

Bad Karma? Or is it Me?

(Ok, so they’ll probably never find the guy who hit us, that’s really annoying – can’t stress too much though. Here's what was the hardest part of it all ...

Lying in bed, 2 am, still not asleep yet.

Enterprise Rental only had minivans, trucks, and a PT cruiser. No thanks.  

The $30 of gas still in my car. Seriously, I just filled up on Friday. If it gets totalled you better up the money by that much. 

My roommates has her own therapy for getting her anger out – a good air-kick to the side as she bikes by the cars…Hillarious.

 

Bucket List

Haven't seen the movie. But I like the idea. I actually started my list back in 2005 - OB 541, I think, Strategies class. And we didn't call it a 'Bucket List,' the assignment was termed 'Goals for Life', and I included it in my Personal Strategic Portfolio for the semester.

Sad, though, that I think I've looked at the list and that portfolio only once since I graduated almost 3 years ago. With all the craziness that life is for me these days, I think it might be good to find that file on my old computer and look at it again.

Some goals and dreams I remember from the list. I know there are more I don’t remember. I'd like to add a few things, and maybe change some others. An evolving and maturing list, I guess.

I'll add to this list from time to time, but for now - I just have these few things to include.

1. Race the States: Previously I wanted to see all 50 states, now I want to run in them.
2. Start a scholarship

3. Run a triathalon

4. I used to want to visit 100 countries, and at 23 I'm on my way, but I think my preferences are chagning, but heres a pic from my last adventures.

Thailand in November 2007

Therapy...

I read a while back that therapists are using a new method for treating depression - exercise. People pay to have there therapists go on jogs with them and talk out their worries and concerns. I've always been lucky that I've had good friends who will jog with me - it wasn't until we started jogging Jules that I really came to love my time on the road. Something changed that summer for me - jogging was my release. Whether with you or my sister or alone - the time I spent on the trails or streets became a safe haven. Everything made sense there - I was strong and could overcome any obstical. Even when life is perfect jogging holds a special place in my day - silly and masacistic I know. Lately I've really been struggling. A type of struggle that I didn't think was possible - at least not for me.

I've known my whole life the church is true. I've never had any kind of divine manifestation - none - but something inside of me has always accepted the principles. The Gospel just made sense - like its always just a part of me of who I am. Up until now I've never thought much more about whether or not it would be a part of my life - that was always a given. And then I hit a brick wall. I can't really explain what happened - an interaction here, a thought there and suddenly I'm not sure of anything. I should clarify - not sure what type of life I want to lead. Denying the church is true has never really been an option in my mind. But whether or not I would continue to be a part of it has. I've spent the last 6 months struggling with that question. I thought I had hit my lowest point after things exploded with Brian the second time. After that I thought I had learned my lesson, and that the experience would give me enough strength to stay close to my ward. But it didn't. The discouragement continued...literally chipping away at everything I had until eventually it became painful to attend church. It's a strange feeling when everything you've lived for and worked for is suddenly in question - the best way I know to describe it is lonely exhaustion. In the end there are only two choices - stick with it and believe or go it alone. The correct choice is obviously to have faith...sounds so easy to say, but mustering up enough engery to act on that faith is something very different. Like finding yourself dehydrated and malnurished half way through a marathon - taking just one step at that point seems impossible.

Which brings me back to jogging - this morning I got up at 5 to get in 5.5 mi before work. It felt good, really really good. Today was the first time in over two months I've been able to complete my loop without walking. I felt strength returning, and a motivating spark begin to glow. Unfortunately, the spark comes and goes throughout the day. Which is to be expected - and keeps me looking forward to tomorrow's jog.

And hopefully be able to sort through a few more of my questions. I'm trying to figure out how much of my struggles are a direct result of my involvment with Brian and how many are just coincidence. I want to be strong - I want to be the girl that can take a stand and be firm. The girl that's involved in church - and is scene as a roll model, who radiates goodness. And I also want to be the girl Brian will open up to - regardless of whether or not he returns to church. If I can find someway to become more, more of everything. But I'm afriad he'll never care for me, that I'll have to walk away. He'll forget about me easily. And then I just want to scream at him, tell him to look at me and trust me and know that I want to know him exactly the way he is, that I can accept him and love him for him.

Because I see in him everything I could have ever hoped and dreamed about. Jules, I must be dilusional - everyone else can see the truth. I just can't accept it. Have I just fixated on him because I think he fits an image - or could that goodness really be there. And I'm not talking about being a "good person". I'm talking great, really great. The type that regardles of his church involvement will help others around him and love whomever he chooses deeply and will take care of them, and dreams big dreams, and who can make friends with anyone and has the silliest chuckle. But I know somehow I need to get to the point where I can trust God that everything will work out better than I could plan or hope - with our without Brian.

I think that's where the problem comes in - how do I let go enough to trust in "God's Plan" when part of me feels like I've spent my whole life waiting and working and dreaming - to end up alone in a ward with 500 other girls. And so I wait for my next jog.....